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"Your LCP of 8.1s is longer than most people's attention spans and several pop songs."
2,847
Sites roasted
6
Core audit categories per report
60s
Average time to full verdict
How the Roast Works
Enter URL
Paste any public URL. We'll handle the rest. No signup, no credit card.
AI Analyzes Everything
5-agent pipeline: visual analysis, Lighthouse data, external context gathering, roast writing, and quality check.
Get Destroyed
Receive a savage, data-backed verdict. Screenshot it. Share it. Fix it.
What We Roast
Six core dimensions. Zero mercy. Every audit hits these hard, then adds live internet context when it's available.
Performance
Your load time is a crime scene.
LCP, CLS, FCP, TBT — real Lighthouse metrics, not vibes. If your site loads slower than a microwave burrito, we'll tell you exactly why.
SEO
Invisible to Google. Embarrassing for you.
Missing meta tags, broken heading hierarchy, no robots.txt — the stuff your 'SEO guy' should've caught six months ago.
Design
Looks like it was built in a hostage situation.
Visual hierarchy, color contrast, typography crimes, and trust signals. We judge your font choices so your visitors don't have to.
Copy
Words matter. Yours don't.
Headline clarity, CTA strength, word count, messaging coherence. If your hero text says nothing, we'll say everything.
UX
Confusing enough to qualify as a maze.
Navigation depth, form friction, mobile layout, user flow dead-ends. We find the rage-click hotspots you pretend don't exist.
Conversion
Traffic in. Leads out. Nothing in between.
CTA placement, social proof, contact accessibility, trust gaps. We tell you exactly why visitors bounce instead of buy.